TGIF.

All I have to say, for the most part, is thank goodness it’s Friday! It has been what feels like such a long week.

My husband and I are starting the third phase of P90x on Monday. I can’t wait for this round to be over, so I can get onto the second round.

Joshua made the BEST dinner last night. He made up a Mexican stew, though not really a stew, it was still quite delicious. He chopped down two chicken breasts into fine pieces, then sauteed it. Then grilled some corn and boiled rice. Then with some awesome spices, mixed it all together…and voila! It was a beautiful concoction of semi-spicy deliciousness.

I’m excited about grocery shopping tomorrow. I’m going to try Greek yogurt for the first time.  I hear wonderful things about it.

In other exciting news, as a reward for our weight loss (well, this is how I justify it), Josh and I will be embarking on an amazing trip this fall. We are headed on a cruise that departs from Barcelona, then visits Naples, Florence, and Rome – - then magically heads off to two cities in France. I can’t tell you how ecstatic I am about this. It gives me more incentive to keep losing weight to get into a bikini! I mean come on, the beaches of Spain have to be incredible!

In other news, this weekend is Roman and Jennifer’s birthday. I am much excited to see my family, and celebrate!

In between.

Easter Sunday is quickly approaching, and by way of natural selection, I was asked to sing for Sunday service. I’m pretty excited, yet nervous, but most importantly, have had this song on my heart ever since I came across it.

I chose a song called “Time In Between” by Francesca Battistelli. She wrote this song, at least in my own perception, wanting to thank Christ for the time in between the many important events he went through during his time on earth. She writes about something we, at least I, usually miss. What did Christ feel like going through the time in between when he was waiting to die on the cross. Was he scared? I would frankly poo my pants if I knew what he knew. That would be like any of us knowing how we were going to die and subsequently waiting for it to happen. Watching the clock tick as the minutes go by, just waiting for that very moment. How profound!

Many of the tribulations I have endured, I tend to remember vividly the beginning of the tragedy and the outcome. I forget the time in between, but realistically, that’s the most important part! Those are the sweetest moments where every step you take, leads you to the end of God’s plan for that part of your life.

When I came home from college years ago, as I have previously posted, I was a complete and utter mess. I was drowning myself one step at a time. I was broken, yet selfish. I was hard, yet looking for God’s grace amongst my own self procured devastation. I thought that season in my life would never end. It was dry and weary, and I saw no end to it. But God brought me through those sweet moments, bringing me closer to my mother and sister. Teaching me about myself, molding my heart anew every day. I learned many pertinent lessons, ones that I will never forget.

Every time I sing this song, it takes me back to that place – - that place where I feel like Jesus and I connect. That at one point in time, in one moment, we felt the same feelings. We were both terrified, broken, and weary. We knew there was good cause for what we were enduring. Like we’ve been best friends, sharing those hard days.

- – - – - -

My sweet Savior, how no absolute words could describe my utter gratitude for the sacrifice you made for me. My heart will forever be grateful. Thank you for those difficult moments you went through, only to make my life a better one. Like a good friend and father, you put me in the forefront of your heart daily. You gave me the most amazing husband, someone I can completely trust in, a man that loves me just as you do. He loves me without cost. You have given me a family that will go to war for me, little babies that comfort me in my darkest moments. A church that will stand right next to me, just as faithfully as you do. Thank you for shedding your blood for me, making eternal marks on your hands and feet, so that I may live with you forever.

Temporary Deferment.

About a year ago, you told me that your life was better off without me. Is it really? At the time I was overwhelmed with that statement, and frankly, as was it’s purpose, I was hurt. I didn’t know how to respond. But I do now.

I can’t imagine that life is better off without me, because my life is not better off with you.

I know that you’ve gotten my messages and have chosen to ignore them. That’s okay. I think upon you every day. I wonder where you are, what you’re doing, how you are.

I miss you.

No matter how you look at it, brothers and sisters were designed to grow old together. I remember when I was about 13 years old, you were first learning Linux. You tried to teach me bits and pieces about it, and I wasn’t really interested. I just wanted to spend time with you. I still feel that way.

I love you.

Just an update.

It’s been a while since I’ve delved into writing. My time has been consumed with P90x, staring a new company, and searching for delicious “healthy” food.

I’ll tell you one thing, trying to find alternatives to your favorite foods, is hard. It ain’t easy people. Josh and I are in the middle of week six of P90x, and you know the saying, “It takes six weeks to change a habit.”

It’s insane how quickly these last six weeks have gone. My body is drastically changing. I put on a sweater this morning that I wore the night of my rehearsal dinner, and it feels drastically different.

Josh has lost 20 pounds, and I’ve lost 14.9. I’d say that’s pretty good for 5.5 weeks. Josh has averaged about 3.63 pounds per week, and I’ve averaged 2.7. I’m pretty happy with that.

Here is my short term goal list for the next 3 weeks:

- Lose another 10 pounds;
- Fit into a size 16 jean (God I can’t wait for this!);
- Conjure up a new healthy, delicious recipe.

My long term goals are:

- To be down to 165 pounds;
- To fit into a size 10/12;
- To wear a bikini!!!!!.

P90x is awesome thus far. The first month changes are VERY noticeable. I would definitely recommend this product to anyone. If Josh and I can do it, so can you! It is hard. My muscles ache. Push ups SUCK. But, I’m getting stronger. I notice little changes like being able to walk up the stairs and not get short of breath.

I will try and update next week with changes/progress.

Ancient History.

As human beings, we desire to relinquish ourselves of our past mistakes, constantly striving to rid ourselves of  embarrassing decisions that we then concurred as being the right choice. Consequently, we become our own indentured slave, strapping heavy chains to our ankles for years, drowning in self-pity rather than self-awareness. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I do it, you do it, Hillary Swank does it.  If only we knew then, what we know know.

Though, would our position be any greater if we did know better? Would you change what you did? As I take a step back and think about the crosses I’ve built and carried by my own will, would I change any of it? Ironically, I wouldn’t. Just to give you a piece of history, I’ve dated many rude, self-profound, abusing, manipulative men. I’ve given a piece of myself to men that didn’t deserve it, because I had no self worth. I didn’t believe in who I was. I made excuses for myself and practiced laziness. Relationships with those men were easy. I did what they asked of me, and in return, I received what I thought was love. To this day, I say that I wish I could take it all back, but I wouldn’t. The lessons that I’ve learned, the people I’ve met, and the relationships that have flourished due to my misbehavior, is undoubtedly priceless.

I read a inkling of Romans 6:6 this morning from The Message Bible. It says, “Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life—no longer at sin’s every beck and call!”

Despite our abominate iniquities, Christ went before us, before we even knew of ourselves, and bled to pick up our slack. What a guy. I’m not going rogue like Sarah Palin and throwing religion on you, but it’s the truth! Think about it this way, logically, would you be willing (key word – willing) to have your bare hands tied to a chunk of wood, and have a nail beaten through you flesh? Uh, I wouldn’t. I can’t even compose myself long enough to flick a bug off my shirt, without dreading the idea of it “hurting” me. I went through years after I came home from college wallowing in my sorrow of sin, thinking that God would never bring me the man that I so strongly desired because of my infidelity and mistakes. You keep asking yourself why I wouldn’t take back all of these horrible things I did? Simply because, God went before me and prepared a husband for me long before I knew it, he molded my husband’s heart to match just what my bruised heart cried out for.

God cares for our sins even when were not looking. You can hide all you want, fear the unknown of exposure, but in the end, we’ll be okay because he marked our names and our past with his blood on a 2×4.

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.” – Unknown

Move on from yesterday. Make new choices today. Push your husband through Plyometrics or tell someone that you love them, even if it’s been a while. Cause yourself to flee from ancient history, because it’s just that, history.

Awesome “Diet” Food.

So, as I go along in my weight loss journey with Joshua, I wanted to share the different varieties of food we come across that we really like. First, the disclaimer – my husband hates tasteless foods. He’s the kind of guy that can tell the difference in fat content between Vitamin D milk and 2% milk. I can’t. So when we find something we both like, it’s like gold.

We went shopping at Sam’s Club last weekend and came across Wild Pacific Salmon Burgers. At first, we were unsure how they would turn out, but last night we made them, and they were amazing! I sprayed a pan with Pam (calorie free), grilled them for about 5 minutes on each side, then melted 2% Land O’ Lakes white American cheese on top. We used Arnold’s Thinwiches (only 100 calories), and voila – perfection. We had sweet potato french fries (Alexia – 150 calories per serving) on the side.

I just wanted to share with you, because if you know me, I hate the word diet. I hate bland, flavorless foods.

Happy Plyometrics Day, Everyone! Don’t forget to BRING IT!

(Drum Roll Please)

And it’s….a….GIRL!

My heart is ecstatic with the notion of my brother’s wife having a girl. I know that Brandon has wanted a child for so long, and I’m more than confident that he will be phenomenal father. Though he pokes and prods at me through his witty sense of humor, he has always taken care of me. When I’ve dug myself into the deepest of the deep, he has been one of the only consistent men in my life that has picked me up, told me everything would turn out just right, and has loved me.

Growing up, Brandon was always the sibling who stood in the back until he needed to step forward. He has endured through many trying times, and though many would call him crazy, has given mercy and kindness to undeserving people. He, for the most part, thinks the best of everyone – - so I know one thing is for sure, Aubrey will be a gentle, warm individual, with a heart of compassion – forgiving, with of course, her mother’s sense of individuality and independence. When I saw Aubrey’s  sonogram pictures for the first time, my heart melted. My siblings and I did not really experience “the big family gatherings” as children. Because of this, it is honestly my heart’s desire to raise my family alongside my brothers and sister, with all of our children, fostering them with a sense of what family really is, the feeling of a bond so strong, that through thick and thin – we will always be there.

My siblings, both near and far, are a daily blessing to me. Without them, life wouldn’t mean as much as it does. I carry them in my heart wherever I go. I see where we came from and where we’re going, and though I’m sure times will be weary, as long as we are together – every thing will turn out just as it should.

Though I don’t tell you as much as I should, Brandon, Bridget, Jennifer, Nathan, Sadie, and Matthew (Amanda, too), I love you. Thank you for always standing up for me. Thank you for the lives that you continually touch. Thank you for your children – they make the worst of days and moments seem like as if it never happened. You encourage me to be the best person I can, accepting me for who I am, and loving me despite my awkward moments.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. – Maya Angelou